Open Letter to an Alleged Player

Dear Alleged Player,

First of all, I need to apologize. My acid tongue was quick to lash out words of judgement. You really left too soon for us to have a formal hearing as to ascertain your innocence or guilt (thus, you are the alleged player as opposed to the condemned player). You tried to plead your case as best you could, as a accused player presumably would and should. But when I look at my beautifully-painted living room, I now feel perhaps that was the evidentiary support that I was demanding for your defense. And in the end, when you really did have the perfect chance to "play" me, you didn't.

You asked me how you could avoid the appearance of playing in the future, a good and fair question, and even after minutes of pause I answered you Lamely. Note the capitalization. But I promised you that I would answer, and a good and fair answer I have! I'm hoping that this answer might even appease my troubled conscience (hmmm. . . too dramatic, maybe more like a little nag of the angel who looks a whole lot like my mom, that lives on my right shoulder whispering into my ear what I should do) when I walk into that room of my house to which you gave a day of your life.

One disclaimer before I launch this: I know you have not committed every faux pas on this list, so don't take this as a list of grievances aimed towards you, but rather as the advice you sought from me, now provided by anonymous sources more insightful than myself. (And no, I did not teach a lesson about this in Relief Society and write down all the comments.)

Behold: the collective wisdom of some of the most fantastic ladies I know, who came up with the meat of this answer while I offer witty color commentary to keep the mood light and humorous.

1. Don't ask us out at the last minute. We just don't want to feel like we're plan B or the second-best thing since your better option cancelled on you. Even if that's not the case at all, it gives the impression you're noncommittal, so you MUST be a player. Also, you ever wonder why girls started waiting around at home doing nothing, wasting their lives away? They've all been with guys who might call. When guys set up that pattern of calling and getting together at the last minute and then all of a sudden they don't, girls definitely get hurt and/or could feel played. You then have to deal with the confrontation (that the guy never sees coming) accompanied by awkward tears followed by artificial reassurances that all will be okay even though you know you'll never call this crazy girl again.

2. Don't talk about other girls or dates when you're with us. Don't talk about the number of girls you've been out with either. I suppose the only girls that are legal to talk about are your sisters and your mom (and I suppose an unnatural fascination with your mother wouldn't exactly be advisable either). For all we know, this is the only date you have ever been on, and out of everyone you could have possibly selected, you have chosen us for that moment. Of course we know you've been on dates, but just indulge us on this one romantic ideal, no matter how silly it may seem. If the girl you're out with asks you to dish, I guess that's the green light to spill the beans, but even then, I would proceed with caution. After all, it is beans we're talking about, and the by-products of those beans are smelly.

3. Don't go out with more than one girl in one day---we can sense it. It is called women's intuition.

4. Don't go out with girls who are good friends. An absolute truth of the universe is that girls have always talked to each other, they do talk to each other and will continue to talk to each other. A lot. Especially more if it is NOT lovely or of good report or praiseworthy. Or, if they each had a lovely time with you and then they compare crib notes, it's going to lead to either of two outcomes, possibly occurring simultaneously: resentment leading to a cat fight for the girls, and/or a reputation for you. As utterly intriguing as it sounds to have 2 girls fight to the death. . . over you, no less. . . just resist entertaining that thought. And a reputation for you will close doors for you dating-wise. If you must go out with multiple girls, try to go out with girls who operate in separate social circles.

5. Too much flattery will make us suspicious. Instead, spend that time talking about yourself. It is hard to trust someone completely if they're never willing to open up about themselves. It makes us wonder what you might be hiding. . . even if you aren't hiding anything at all. Effusive compliments when you don't know us very well will seem less sincere. Also, the pressure to reciprocate a compliment when we are just barely getting to know you (and if you're flooding us with them) will make us feel uncomfortable, even if we like you and are trying to be nice.

6. You don't have to get physical with a girl to make her feel like she's been played. This might need clarification, but man, putting this answer together has been tiring.

7. We aren't against you having fun, just against you playing. Remember that there is a difference.

UPDATE: After numerous inquiries as to the true identity of the alleged player, I do want to say that he is a real person. Many have also wondered about his reaction. Well, I must say it was humble and even a little embarrassed; he did admit to having done all the aforementioned items. As for his whereabouts, he is attending law school at an undisclosed location in a far away land, hopefully utilizing kinder and safer dating practices.