Over the River and Through the Woods

This is my 85-year old Grandma (my dad's mom) and she is a real kick in the pants. I always have wondered how it must be to keep up with the quick wit of Gordon B. Hinckley, and my grandma, though not Mormon (Calvinist, she calls it, actually), MUST come pretty close to hitting that particular mark. Here's some fascinating stats about my grandma:

She's survived 2 divorces and 3 husbands (who all happened to die within 3 months of each other). Additionally, she lived in the same house with each husband.

She's also survived a bout of lung cancer, though her dog Bodie (who probably weighs more than her!) is about to succomb to bone cancer. Grandma is like the "Unsinkable Molly Brown" reincarnated.

When she was in nurses training in the early 1940s, she got married on the sly to my Grandpa and kept it a secret for her last 5 months of school. She would have been kicked out of school had they found out (there was a rule that the girls couldn't get married while they were in training---?!).

She never learned to drive a car.

She used to be 5 feet, 3 & 3/4 inches tall. She's now 4 feet, 10 & 3/4 inches tall.

This December will mark 40 years of sobriety for Grandma, after having overcome a serious battle with alcoholism.

When my dad was a little boy, she accidentally killed a cat when it climbed in the dryer and she unknowingly turned it on. She STILL feels bad about it.

When my cousin got married last year, my uncle took the mic at the reception and called my grandma, asking her for some impromptu advice for the newly-weds. Without warning and completely on the spot, she came up with this gem (no doubt to be cross-stiched and placed above the mantle): "Stick with the first one; they just get worse."

Grandma is a killer joke teller. Her comedic delivery is unparallelled. Here's a few funnies she shared with me (mostly transcribed here so I can remember a friggin joke for once in my friggin life):

Why was the duck embarrassed?
He realized that his pants were down.

A blonde woman, determined to ride first class on a flight to New York with only a second class ticket, took a seat in the first class section.
A stewardess approached her and said, “I’m sorry m’am, but you’re going to have to move back to second class.”
Still determined, the blonde answered, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York,” and remained in the seat.
Scratching her head, the stewardess left and sent another stewardess over to try to resolve the problem. A similar exchange of words followed: “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”
Now the pilot overheard these two stewardesses talking and stepped in. “I think I know just how to handle this,” and proceeded to walk over to the woman.
After he asked her to move and she refused, the pilot whispered something in her ear. Immediately the blonde got up and moved to the second class section.
Now the dumbfounded stewardesses had to know: just what exactly had the pilot said to get the blonde to move?
“Easy,” he said. “I told her that first class wasn’t flying to New York.”

One day, a leprechaun approached a man on a golf course saying, “You’ve been a good guy, why don’t you let me grant you 3 wishes?”
To which the man replied, “No thanks, I’ve got everything I need.”
But the leprechaun wouldn’t take no for an answer and said, “No really, I’m going to give you a better golf game, as much money as you want, and a great sex life.”
A year later, the leprechaun returned to the man and asked him how things were going:
“How’s the golf?”
“Never been better!”
“Do you have enough money?”
“Oh, I’m making money hand over fist; I have more than I know what to do with!”
“So, how’s your sex life?”
“Well, I have sex about 2 times a week.”
And the leprechaun responded, “Really? That doesn’t really seem that good.”
And the man said, “Well it’s pretty good for a Catholic priest in a small town!”