It's true. And after you read this you'll agree.
At the semester change, I always have a ton of kids that I don't really know coming into my room at all times of the day asking me if they can audition for and add my classes. This January morning, I was cleaning myself from the bloodbath of the previous class and preparing to engage in battle with 52 7th grade boys when a student I didn't know walked up to my piano and asked me if they could audition for Bella Voce, an advanced women's choir class. I said yes, that they could audition for choir, but that they in particular could not because the Bella Voce class was only for girls.
To which SHE answered, "But I am a girl."
And of course this happened in front of 10 or so boy students who, facing me and knowing that their fellow student was of the opposite sex, gave me these "Kingman, how could you?" pitiful little faces. It was funny enough to laugh out loud, but even they, 7th grade boys, were decent enough to know that it was truly a distressing situation more worth crying about.
What's even crazier is that this girl is actually very cute. However, in my defense, she WAS dressed boyishly in an old t-shirt and jeans and had the sloppy shaggy haircut so many of the boys are sporting these days. She did walk in when my all-boys class was starting to boot. I've taught 3 of her older sisters and I did feel some measure of relief when one of them told me that her sister had been mistaken for a boy before.
Still. . . I feel awful. It is one of the more horrible things I have done as a teacher. What do you think my penance should be?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Just Stay Away From The Bishop's Office
Venturing to the general region of the bishop's/clerk's office at church typically proves to be a dangerous proposition for any member of the ward. You receive callings for which you're not qualified, get assignments to give talks on commandments you don't obey, and of course, confess sins that you'd much prefer to keep quiet. For some of us, namely myself, well, we cross into that danger zone in yet more creative ways.
There was the time about 3 months ago when I innocently walked down with a friend and the bishop, upon seeing me, yells inside to the ward clerk who we will call "X", "Okay X, let's get this over with." He turns to me without warning and asks, "Will you take X out on a date?" I had heard of bishops pulling these kind of shenaningans before, but heretofore had never been a witness, muchless an involved party in anything of the sort.
My big mouth has told our bishop just how it's going to be a few times (even to the point that I told him once that I was going to walk right past him on the way to the celestial kingdom---all in front of the ward council) but that was when he was just the stake high council guy. Now that he's the bishop and I'm his Relief Society President, I'm more of a lap dog to do his every bidding. Right there, he set up this date with this guy for Saturday (luckily for me this was a cool guy who supposedly should have asked me out a few weeks earlier but I guess was too chicken to) in front of the entire bishopric and the small crowd that was gathering outside. Because I had been on a "date" with the bishop and his wife (yes, only us three) a few weeks previous to this current embarrassment, the bishop went into awkward and mostly false detail about what a picky and expensive date I was and how I demanded steak (yes, I did eat steak when I went out with the bishop, but now at what cost?!). Naturally I was pretty much horrified, but truthfully I was feeling more sorry for this poor boy who had become a pawn in the bishop's devious game and who now had to take me out (but to my relief, one of the counselors told me that X was pretty excited; it's actually still unclear if this whole charade was actually staged and scripted by all parties involved excluding myself.)
The Saturday that I was to go out with X, I got very sick. The bishop even happened to call that day and when he heard how sick and disgusting my voice sounded, he said, "Don't even think about cancelling on that boy. I won't let you inside the church tomorrow." And I knew that he wasn't joking. I went on the date and despite being sick it was fun. The next day, the bishopric hauled me out of my presidency meeting to get a report. And of course X called in sick and didn't even show up to church. The nerve. You can guess how bad I caught it from the bishopric.
Weeks later, to further taint my soiled reputation, my friend Heidi and I were down in front of the clerk's office and she was showing around this picture that had been taken of us at the Polynesian Cultural Center with these massive bare-chested guys during our recent trip to Hawaii. The bishopric had gathered around Heidi and pointed to one of the guys asking, "So that's the one you kissed?" to which Heidi answered, "Oh no, but Camille kissed him." Then I completely turned red, which they all thought was an admission of guilt, despite my emphatic denials.
Even before I left for Hawaii, I was sitting down outside, yes, you know the spot, the bishop's office and was casually making small talk with a new member of the ward. You know the drill: where you're from, what do you do, etc. I made some reference to "westside" because I grew up on the west side of Las Vegas. And he was down with that of course, because he grew up on the west side of Orem and we westsiders gotsa represent together, especially in Utah where west equals ghetto. I then asked him if he had gone to Orem Junior High to which he replied in the affirmative. I told him that I was the choir teacher there. To continue our small talk, I found out he too was a teacher---6th grade at the school 30 seconds away from my house, but he had taught at one of the elementaries that fed into Orem Junior just recently.
I think we had moved on to something else when all of a sudden he asked, "Wait, you teach all of the choir classes there?" And I said yes. And he clarified, "Even 8th grade boys?" And again I said yes. And then he sat back and laughed, "I just got an email from one of my former students saying that he wanted to set me up with his choir teacher." Sure enough, it was indeed one of my students. Hilarious. And an amazing coincidence. At this, the counselors in the bishopric lept up from the money that they were counting and were like, "So. . . when are you guys going out? What are you waiting for? It's like an angel has appeared saying that you have to date!"
Again, I felt totally bad for this guy who was having all this pressure put on him to date me when I wasn't very convinced that I was even his type. I shrunk from that situation by turning in my tithing and getting the eff outta there. Even though my 8th grade student (and shockingly not the bishop and his little minions) was to blame for this dating debaucle, just the fact that it happened in the vicinity of the bishop's office and that it had to do with my dating life makes me suspicious. I suppose if you are married you might feel bold enough to wander to that part of the church building, but if you're single I'd advise you to just steer clear.
There was the time about 3 months ago when I innocently walked down with a friend and the bishop, upon seeing me, yells inside to the ward clerk who we will call "X", "Okay X, let's get this over with." He turns to me without warning and asks, "Will you take X out on a date?" I had heard of bishops pulling these kind of shenaningans before, but heretofore had never been a witness, muchless an involved party in anything of the sort.
My big mouth has told our bishop just how it's going to be a few times (even to the point that I told him once that I was going to walk right past him on the way to the celestial kingdom---all in front of the ward council) but that was when he was just the stake high council guy. Now that he's the bishop and I'm his Relief Society President, I'm more of a lap dog to do his every bidding. Right there, he set up this date with this guy for Saturday (luckily for me this was a cool guy who supposedly should have asked me out a few weeks earlier but I guess was too chicken to) in front of the entire bishopric and the small crowd that was gathering outside. Because I had been on a "date" with the bishop and his wife (yes, only us three) a few weeks previous to this current embarrassment, the bishop went into awkward and mostly false detail about what a picky and expensive date I was and how I demanded steak (yes, I did eat steak when I went out with the bishop, but now at what cost?!). Naturally I was pretty much horrified, but truthfully I was feeling more sorry for this poor boy who had become a pawn in the bishop's devious game and who now had to take me out (but to my relief, one of the counselors told me that X was pretty excited; it's actually still unclear if this whole charade was actually staged and scripted by all parties involved excluding myself.)
The Saturday that I was to go out with X, I got very sick. The bishop even happened to call that day and when he heard how sick and disgusting my voice sounded, he said, "Don't even think about cancelling on that boy. I won't let you inside the church tomorrow." And I knew that he wasn't joking. I went on the date and despite being sick it was fun. The next day, the bishopric hauled me out of my presidency meeting to get a report. And of course X called in sick and didn't even show up to church. The nerve. You can guess how bad I caught it from the bishopric.
Weeks later, to further taint my soiled reputation, my friend Heidi and I were down in front of the clerk's office and she was showing around this picture that had been taken of us at the Polynesian Cultural Center with these massive bare-chested guys during our recent trip to Hawaii. The bishopric had gathered around Heidi and pointed to one of the guys asking, "So that's the one you kissed?" to which Heidi answered, "Oh no, but Camille kissed him." Then I completely turned red, which they all thought was an admission of guilt, despite my emphatic denials.
Even before I left for Hawaii, I was sitting down outside, yes, you know the spot, the bishop's office and was casually making small talk with a new member of the ward. You know the drill: where you're from, what do you do, etc. I made some reference to "westside" because I grew up on the west side of Las Vegas. And he was down with that of course, because he grew up on the west side of Orem and we westsiders gotsa represent together, especially in Utah where west equals ghetto. I then asked him if he had gone to Orem Junior High to which he replied in the affirmative. I told him that I was the choir teacher there. To continue our small talk, I found out he too was a teacher---6th grade at the school 30 seconds away from my house, but he had taught at one of the elementaries that fed into Orem Junior just recently.
I think we had moved on to something else when all of a sudden he asked, "Wait, you teach all of the choir classes there?" And I said yes. And he clarified, "Even 8th grade boys?" And again I said yes. And then he sat back and laughed, "I just got an email from one of my former students saying that he wanted to set me up with his choir teacher." Sure enough, it was indeed one of my students. Hilarious. And an amazing coincidence. At this, the counselors in the bishopric lept up from the money that they were counting and were like, "So. . . when are you guys going out? What are you waiting for? It's like an angel has appeared saying that you have to date!"
Again, I felt totally bad for this guy who was having all this pressure put on him to date me when I wasn't very convinced that I was even his type. I shrunk from that situation by turning in my tithing and getting the eff outta there. Even though my 8th grade student (and shockingly not the bishop and his little minions) was to blame for this dating debaucle, just the fact that it happened in the vicinity of the bishop's office and that it had to do with my dating life makes me suspicious. I suppose if you are married you might feel bold enough to wander to that part of the church building, but if you're single I'd advise you to just steer clear.
Junior High for Dummies: A Survival Guide
(written mostly in November 2007, but edited in February 2008)
When I tell people what I do for a living, they either tell me that I'm a saint or that I'm crazy. Both are true to a certain extent, but really I think most people could do my job of teaching teenagers (maybe just not so much the teaching choir part, but the teenager part, yes.). Of course, not everyone is going to be enamored with junior high, but they could make it through without slitting their wrists if they would but get to know their enemy a little better and master a few skills. They might actually be able to find some humor inbetween the inevitable bouts of crying and frustration. (My experience has been that these survival tips actually work amazingly well on real people too, not just teenagers.)
1. Look directly into their eyes and always call them by their name. People will do anything for you if you know their name. On a related note, parents will do anything for you if they realize that you actually know who their child is.
2. Just like dogs and bees, junior high students can smell fear. Don't be scared. Fortunately this gets easier and easier the longer you teach.
3. Wear one piece of distracting clothing or a distinctive accessory. Weird posters in the classroom works too. Anything that will elicit a response from them. Get them curious.
4. Develop an addiction---a harmless one. Come Christmas time you get less crap and more diet soda. . . by the case.
5. Always lie---as to protect the people you truly care about in your personal life (because kids know how to use the internet to gather information better than we do), but embellish the truth liberally about your love life. And they will ask, so be ready.
6. If you're going to ask them to do something (especially in a singing class like mine), you've got to be willing to do it yourself.
7. If you demonstrate something (particularly a weird sound or clapping. etc.), students WILL do it immediately after you do it. . . even if you're still talking. It's best to be overly literal in cases such as these: "Class, I'm going to demostrate XYZ. You are going to feel the uncontrollable urge to do it right away. Please practice self control by restraining yourself until I give the sign ABC."
11. Create something successful. Nothing is as magnetic to junior high kids, or human beings for that matter, as the chance to belong to a group that will bring them success.
12. Be extremely explicit in your instructions. Rehearse what you want them to do over and over.
13. Repeat yourself. Repeat yourself.
14. Signals that provoke Pavlovian responses are very useful and decrease the unwanted behaviors in your domain.
15. Pace is the trick. That's title of a song of a favorite band of mine, but I couldn't say it any better myself so I'm going to rip it off of them. Teach clearly and slowly, but change what you are teaching every few minutes.
16. Tell them how much you love them and that you talk about how amazing they are to your friends.
When I tell people what I do for a living, they either tell me that I'm a saint or that I'm crazy. Both are true to a certain extent, but really I think most people could do my job of teaching teenagers (maybe just not so much the teaching choir part, but the teenager part, yes.). Of course, not everyone is going to be enamored with junior high, but they could make it through without slitting their wrists if they would but get to know their enemy a little better and master a few skills. They might actually be able to find some humor inbetween the inevitable bouts of crying and frustration. (My experience has been that these survival tips actually work amazingly well on real people too, not just teenagers.)
1. Look directly into their eyes and always call them by their name. People will do anything for you if you know their name. On a related note, parents will do anything for you if they realize that you actually know who their child is.
2. Just like dogs and bees, junior high students can smell fear. Don't be scared. Fortunately this gets easier and easier the longer you teach.
3. Wear one piece of distracting clothing or a distinctive accessory. Weird posters in the classroom works too. Anything that will elicit a response from them. Get them curious.
4. Develop an addiction---a harmless one. Come Christmas time you get less crap and more diet soda. . . by the case.
5. Always lie---as to protect the people you truly care about in your personal life (because kids know how to use the internet to gather information better than we do), but embellish the truth liberally about your love life. And they will ask, so be ready.
6. If you're going to ask them to do something (especially in a singing class like mine), you've got to be willing to do it yourself.
7. If you demonstrate something (particularly a weird sound or clapping. etc.), students WILL do it immediately after you do it. . . even if you're still talking. It's best to be overly literal in cases such as these: "Class, I'm going to demostrate XYZ. You are going to feel the uncontrollable urge to do it right away. Please practice self control by restraining yourself until I give the sign ABC."
8. Don't EVER proceed to give instruction to a group when they are talking. It sends the message that what you have to say isn't important and it sets the precedent that they can talk over you whenever they want.
9. Shorten your fuse: learn to get mad---real mad---fast. And then be able to switch back to totally pleasant immediately afterwards. The students for some reason really seem to respect this and it will scare them to death. While I don't believe that scare tactics are being touted as sound educational pedagogy these days, I think kids aren't scared enough by authority figures and so when it works, it's extremely effective.
10. Develop a "stupid human"/party novelty trick/illusion/act and perform it. . . but only every once in a while. Leave them wanting more.11. Create something successful. Nothing is as magnetic to junior high kids, or human beings for that matter, as the chance to belong to a group that will bring them success.
12. Be extremely explicit in your instructions. Rehearse what you want them to do over and over.
13. Repeat yourself. Repeat yourself.
14. Signals that provoke Pavlovian responses are very useful and decrease the unwanted behaviors in your domain.
15. Pace is the trick. That's title of a song of a favorite band of mine, but I couldn't say it any better myself so I'm going to rip it off of them. Teach clearly and slowly, but change what you are teaching every few minutes.
16. Tell them how much you love them and that you talk about how amazing they are to your friends.
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