Junior High for Dummies: A Survival Guide

(written mostly in November 2007, but edited in February 2008)

When I tell people what I do for a living, they either tell me that I'm a saint or that I'm crazy. Both are true to a certain extent, but really I think most people could do my job of teaching teenagers (maybe just not so much the teaching choir part, but the teenager part, yes.). Of course, not everyone is going to be enamored with junior high, but they could make it through without slitting their wrists if they would but get to know their enemy a little better and master a few skills. They might actually be able to find some humor inbetween the inevitable bouts of crying and frustration. (My experience has been that these survival tips actually work amazingly well on real people too, not just teenagers.)

1. Look directly into their eyes and always call them by their name. People will do anything for you if you know their name. On a related note, parents will do anything for you if they realize that you actually know who their child is.

2. Just like dogs and bees, junior high students can smell fear. Don't be scared. Fortunately this gets easier and easier the longer you teach.

3. Wear one piece of distracting clothing or a distinctive accessory. Weird posters in the classroom works too. Anything that will elicit a response from them. Get them curious.

4. Develop an addiction---a harmless one. Come Christmas time you get less crap and more diet soda. . . by the case.

5. Always lie---as to protect the people you truly care about in your personal life (because kids know how to use the internet to gather information better than we do), but embellish the truth liberally about your love life. And they will ask, so be ready.

6. If you're going to ask them to do something (especially in a singing class like mine), you've got to be willing to do it yourself.

7. If you demonstrate something (particularly a weird sound or clapping. etc.), students WILL do it immediately after you do it. . . even if you're still talking. It's best to be overly literal in cases such as these: "Class, I'm going to demostrate XYZ. You are going to feel the uncontrollable urge to do it right away. Please practice self control by restraining yourself until I give the sign ABC."

8. Don't EVER proceed to give instruction to a group when they are talking. It sends the message that what you have to say isn't important and it sets the precedent that they can talk over you whenever they want.

9. Shorten your fuse: learn to get mad---real mad---fast. And then be able to switch back to totally pleasant immediately afterwards. The students for some reason really seem to respect this and it will scare them to death. While I don't believe that scare tactics are being touted as sound educational pedagogy these days, I think kids aren't scared enough by authority figures and so when it works, it's extremely effective.

10. Develop a "stupid human"/party novelty trick/illusion/act and perform it. . . but only every once in a while. Leave them wanting more.

11. Create something successful. Nothing is as magnetic to junior high kids, or human beings for that matter, as the chance to belong to a group that will bring them success.

12. Be extremely explicit in your instructions. Rehearse what you want them to do over and over.

13. Repeat yourself. Repeat yourself.

14. Signals that provoke Pavlovian responses are very useful and decrease the unwanted behaviors in your domain.

15. Pace is the trick. That's title of a song of a favorite band of mine, but I couldn't say it any better myself so I'm going to rip it off of them. Teach clearly and slowly, but change what you are teaching every few minutes.

16. Tell them how much you love them and that you talk about how amazing they are to your friends.