The Final Countdown

For some inexplicable reason, I have of late been obsessed with the 80's hit "The Final Countdown." I'm playing in my classroom for my kids for no particular reason at all, and I rock out to it by myself---all the harder when I'm occupied with the most mundane of tasks; it's my status on gmail chat and nowadays I'm constantly making reference to it in conversation. I can't help but laugh out loud as I think of Arrested Development's character Gob making his grand entrance on stage for his magician's act, dagger in mouth and scarves flailing, "The Final Countdown" blaring. It has become the official theme song of my 30th birthday, which is actually pretty novel---I've never felt inspired to have a theme song for my birthday! Ooh, and how about a birthday soundtrack? I think the hamster in my head just woke up and that squeaky wheel is starting move on it's axis. WD-40, anyone?

When you're 18, you can serve in the military, vote, be prosecuted as an adult and move out of your parents house without them being able to do anything about it. But no one really respects you except for your 17-year old friends. People SAY you're an adult when you're 21 and you can get into bars and gamble and drink. And although the world may be your oyster in Sin City (ah, home sweet home), you're still not old enough to rent a car there. (And you're still paying as much for your insurance as those mature 16-year olds.) I think the new official age of adulthood should be changed to 30. When people tell you they're 30, well, dude, I respect that. . . like totally. I feel like at 30, there's not going to be any other explanation for stupid behavior other than a midlife crisis. So this is it. Since I only have 6 days of my roarin' twenties left before I'm obliged to be a responsible adult with a completely developed frontal lobe, I really need to make them count. Thus, today I sought counsel from some of my esteemed colleagues at the junior high. Here's the advice I got from 2 of my classes when I asked them what I should do in my last week of excusable irresponsibility.

The most creative from the 8th and 9th grade Men's Choir class:

-Go to an old folks home, run up to a random old lady and say, "Grandma, I haven't seen you in so long!"
-Buy a golf cart
-Go bungee jumping
-Pour out a can of tomato juice in Walmart and leave a trail leading to the bathroom (for some reason a lot of suggestions surrounded around doing something to or in or at Walmart)
-Put peanuts in envelopes and leave them on my neighbor's doorsteps with a note saying, "I'm just nuts about you" (I'll remember that next time I want to ask someone to prom.)
-Get married (yeah, like THAT hasn't crossed my mind)
-Bust mailboxes (if anything ever happens to your mailbox, you know to come find me and we can interrogate my class and send them to federal lockup)
-"Smoke" crushed Smarties candies (their latest obsession besides Walmart)
-Buy a dog
-Rent an RV and drive to Brazil
-Get a Big Gulp mix of every single flavor soda at 7-11 (boys, that's what we call a "suicide")
-Wrestle with pigs (I actually do have a pig connection if I felt so inclined)
-Get in a shopping cart and ride down a hill
-Tell the boss to "eat my shorts"
-Go fence busting (basically running battering ram style into one of those fences with the vinyl panels---supposedly it just pops out and doesn't hurt that bad)

Following this class I had one of my 3 sections of Women's Choir, compised of girls grades 7-9, but with about 80% coming from the seventh grade. Initially I wasn't planning on asking them, but after having received such crazy responses with the boys, I thought it might be an interesting sociological experiment to see what they came up with on their own. Their suggestions were just as disturbing as the boys'. (So as to not influence their ideas and taint the validity of this all-important experiment I did not tell them what the boys had said.) Just keep in mind that many of these ideas were from people who are still not tall enough to ride all the roller coasters at the amusement park.

-Go clubbing
-Go skydiving
-Eat nothing but candy and soda for 6 days straight (hmmm)
-Walk around in the mall wearing a swimsuit and goggles (Mall is to girls as Walmart is to boys, I discovered, if nothing else in this experiment)
-Hold up a sign on State St. that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" (should be fairly easy after having lost all dignity at the mall)
-Toilet paper houses (this was another big fixation)
-Go into a fitting room, wait for a few minutes and then yell, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
-Glue money to the ground and watch how many people go to pick it up (not as fun as it sounds: I know)
-Pretend to be a hitchhiker (scary idea, girls. geez!)
-Hide in clothes racks and scare people
-Prank call people (oh how I miss the pre-*69 and pre-caller id days of the 5th & 6th grade---these girls SO don't even know what they missed!)
-Have a food fight
-Steal bags full of raked leaves and search for unlocked cars in which to throw the leaves (another variation was to find cats and throw them in people's open cars as well)
-Break out spontaneously into dance in random places and moments (c'mon, that's like everyday already)
-Dye my hair pink

So. What in THE world is in the Orem water these chillins be drinking? I mean, for realz. Weigh in, and let me know whose vexing responses you found more deranged and bizarre: those of the 8th & 9th grade boys, or those of the 7th grade girls. The verdict is still out for me. Hey, I only write this stuff, you know.